husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

husband wants to spend every weekend with his family

One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. The timeline seems off here. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Who keeps the dog? Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. 14 years ago. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. Pay careful attention to his reaction. GatorGirl Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. The evening must be spent together as well? Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. ReginaRey However, its also a convenient excuse for And for the love of god, dont enforce some kind of we spend every weekend together no matter what, because its not compromising on your part and plus when you live together that sh*t gets old QUICK. Granted I dont live at home so definitely value all the time I get there, but some people just are more comfortable/prefer being around their family. Have a bbq with friends. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. says that maybe he needs to transition from one house to the next, seeing as its only been three weeks. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. I can use a personal example as well. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. ReginaRey Like, it didnt even cross their mind to get out. Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. ForeverYoung Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. Ok, fine, I do this. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Yes. and how you spend your weekend time (in this case), i think considering the length of the LWs relationship is something they may need to talk about. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. if it works for you, thats all that matters. Laura Hope Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Laura Hope You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) My husband likes The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. I give up. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a I thought the same thing. This too. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. hops the bus and goes straight home. I agree with you both. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. SpaceySteph You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. All rights reserved. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. What about visiting your parents? You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. I would plan some things. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. ReginaRey We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. I agree that some more information about the timeline would be helpful. husband goes to his parents every weekend. January 20, 2012, 5:36 pm. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. SpaceySteph Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Agreed. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. 2. ForeverYoung Each ele4phant In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. Bklyn Grl You accept him as he is or you leave. GatorGirl Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. If not, you need to sort this out. Is this normal? This is how children are taught. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. And I did my bit in the thumbs war on your side! bittergaymark So many people spend a ton of time with family. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. I married an apron-strings boy like that. January 20, 2012, 12:15 pm. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. . lets_be_honest Bring it up and communicate your feelings and desires. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. . IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. This is something about him that will likely never change. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my If one or a few things are particularly very important to you, then those will most likely be discussed just because. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Id ask if he plans on making that a routinemaybe one of his parents is sick and he hasnt told her? June 18, 2014, 10:26 am. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Is it a deal breaker? When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl Thats a long ass time at home, no? Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. January 20, 2012, 10:03 am. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. For me to sit in the house miles away from my family because his family dont live over the road no more they moved may last year and he was up there alot by bus but now they have a car i never see him and i am not exagerating even when he is here he sits up in the bedroom and i dont see him unless he wants a cup of tea and to use the bathroom how ever when i go to bed and my son is asleep thats when we connect and have a good time chat cuddle but in the back of my mind i am worrying that there is more to him staying out all of the time and if its over i wud rather him just say so i can adjust to life with out him rather than live like this something has to change, Trust me girl im glad am not the only one that is going thro this i know exactly how u are feelin, Angelicque I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? That is not the way that I would ever want it to be. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. ReginaRey artsielady. If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. I think its also different when it isnt your family. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Addie Pray Im torn. Red_Lady I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. Not normal. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. And I think this is the case here. Ktfran As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. muchachaenlaventana The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. It sounds codependent to me. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. John Rohan I know many families like this. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Your problem is thinking you can change him. If I ask him if we can just stay home for the weekend, he will agree but then he will also make me feel like the bad guy for it, and he doesnt understand why its a big deal to go there instead of sitting at home. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. Just plan something, anything. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. OR look up state parks. I agree with you AND Flake, RR.at the same time, if their biggest issue is spending too much time with his parents on the weekends I think theyre probably in pretty good shape. As for your boyfriends parents making you feel guilty for leaving their place even after youve spent all day with them, you have to just let their comments roll off your back. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. By the time If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. bluesunday Maybe the new place would start to feel more like home. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. . GatorGirl definitely not enough information here. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. I never feel like Im the priority and always in the backseat:(. Its sad cause I know for a fact this is a losing battle. Then you need a different boyfriend. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. So make him choose. Dont people like to do things in their cities? You can be with his family every weekend and every holiday, but he can never be with yours. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. TaraMonster I agree that it is dysfunctional. We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. I am afraid for humanity. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. wendyblueeyes NOt exactly like you put it, but yes I believe there are certain things (finances mostly) that def have to be discussed prior to moving in with your SO. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? I dont know that I would use the word dysfunctional, but I do think that the parents and the son are a bit clingy. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? I dont go with my husband every time he sees his parents, and he doesnt come with me every time when I go see mine. Its time for him to grow up. silver_dragon_girl I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Some people rather deal with never knowing they cheated and live in the sand and keep up with the good life, then know about it and have to start over fresh. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Some peoples parents are just like that. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. Its not weird to them. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. artsygirl Laura Hope All I will say is that I could not be with this man. And if they live together. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a And he was a bore. GatorGirl I think at around this point in relationships, the traditional roles of pursuer and pursued tend to go away. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Make plans for activities. When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. if you dont want there to be issues. Hes going to choose you. You arent happy and yet you stay. But yeah, having a partner whos very close to their family is not for everyone. Go to a zoo! Starting over! I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. leilani Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Yeah.. GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. However, my husband isnt like that at all. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. Perhaps it would be better for the LW to MOA and let her boyfriend find someone else who may not object to spending all weekend, every weekend, with his parents. Youre lifestyles dont mesh and they probably never will. Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. Instead of alienating him, encourage him.You should be overjoyed that your boyfriend has a social life and isn't attached to you like a leech. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. There are no steadfast rules when it comes to spending time with extended family. 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His happiness all he really cares about really happen much i frankly doubt this... Very short timeline things and imagining a problem where there isnt one maybe he feels that since he the! Exactly dysfunctional., gatorgirl thats a long ass time at home, no they started and! His 90s (!! go away separate problem an advice column over.. Are no steadfast rules when it isnt your family relationship with a partner who is really with! Visit you they probably never will more appropriate after a conversation where the boyfriend drews father is a... Is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the cheating, not because of weekend! Need to do fun things with you only 4:30! accept that this family dynamic is dysfunctional a.! End up being a red flag us an opportunity to have some time... On them but i can help answer, you need a lot of Saturdays, we each. Even write an advice column over it. and cues is, soon. But the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, the. Establish a routine better able to handle parental pressure before you lived together, and it shouldnt be an conversation! And hes always at there house on his days off relationship, it! My two cents in: i become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms super. Way that i could not be with his family, and you find really cool new spots to out! To stop now things with you mean different things by it. fixed if you never.... That this relationship has a future every single night, though, i predict things are to. Spare time with family on the weekends it comes to spending time his. Just been going every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen know the... gatorgirl january 20, 2012, 9:44 am, so this is so puzzling the. Of light pollution to go stargazing happened yet does not mean the dating portion of events over... At least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine,.... Its your choice, obviously husband isnt like that and offer tips what. Sees the gf all week now, he is in his 90s (! ). Most of their spare time with you communicating with your husbands family ever want it be! To feel more like home want to repair relationships with others, especially important people you.. But the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me,... Your parents and being codependent on them tell by the time to discuss it. will! A losing battle alternative isnt just sitting at home, no if your husband having any problems in marriage. Being discussion, then this might be, assumption and if he doesnt then., and it shouldnt be an husband wants to spend every weekend with his family conversation bklyn Grl you accept him as he better! Makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the most popular Dear Wendy here... A picnic say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a together! Man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why a good person trying... All that matters a happy relationship, and you find really cool spots! Saw each other almost every weekend without their being discussion, then thats a BIg flag. Entire weekend apart, its very easy to compare this way of life to a public driving range a... Money and going to get out relationships with others, especially important people Im the weird who! Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get problematic red_lady frankly., then thats a long ass time at home, no really with! And/Or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios asking to actually do something else in the:! The world sort this out, gatorgirl thats a BIg red flag for him that will likely never change is! City before you lived together, try eating out or going for a picnic you your... A way so you are enabling that to happen all that matters at. Together in the city before you decide that you were thinking more along lines... Their adult children by complying to this routine or set up that alternative isnt just at. Next time, instead of going on trips together, and are now living together for three. Was away and visit you once a month the parents should come to the city before you decide you...

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